Journey of an independant citizen
Life is damn hard. Even if you get what you want.
There is still work to be done in maintaining the self. Why , I would love to do the things I can do now I am a free person, or am I? Yes I am free of a bad relationship, and the diseases that came with it. However, I am not free of mental slavery. How do I exist in this shell called a body?
Time and time again, I feel the urge to just sleep. That is only because I tire easily from mental chatter, some of which is worsened by exposure to work stress (read: beaches and suns of beaches). Hate to say it but I still can't really deal with them for fear of them hurting me. So I try to stay away and the body sympathises by giving me illnesses to slow me down.
So much for existing in a massochistic mind. How do you get the voodoo pins out when you stick them into yourself? Not intentionally I could say, but out of years of habit and learning complemented by punishment both physical and mental. Feel like a rehab dog just being adopted back to society but with behaviours still matching a tortured existence. The scars are still visible and still in memory. The dog either bites or stay still. I either get extremely upset or shut in.
I was told that a way to adapt is to mix with independant society gradually. People who are able to live in their own right and do not depress me. Sounds good in theory. But if you get the blind to see for the first time, the light can blind them again. Similarly, observing the way these people live normally hurts me. I can't run as fast as they can to catch the balls that life throws at me, or let go of the balls without feeling afraid of consequences because I don't know which balls can potentially be dangerous - eg it turns out to be a bomb which has to be dealt with first.
In the ideal world, leaders should be there to assist with the wisdom of life, what is important and what is not. My primary leader is invisible though most trustworthy and is symbolised by a cross. My work leaders are pretty much non-existent and I have to carry my own cross. Life leaders are scarce, save for a few catch ups here and there that cools the parched soul and lets it rest on the emotional chairs of these gifted people. Life leaders are scarce as I am selective as to who these people are. Absent of elders in the family I could speak to, I just don't trust many.
Despite all this, I would still like to be back in the community by slowly working my way outof this mental and emotional constipation. Maybe I should just be a little pushier when it comes to fulfilling the needs of an independant citizen, out of that scarcity mindset which just accepts things that are not working any longer for the self - giving it to others thinking my own self is not worthy enough to receive help and other resources.
I thought being a free citizen means that I dont have to fight any more but it seems I do less I get trampled by unsuspecting others or worse, end up in slavery again whatever it manifests itself as. But if I do I hope to know that some of these so called tramples are just jostling around alike gentle waves in the sea, rather than a tsunami. And ease up a little.
Wonder if there are anybody out there feeling this way too despite being an independant homosapien. How do you exist?
There is still work to be done in maintaining the self. Why , I would love to do the things I can do now I am a free person, or am I? Yes I am free of a bad relationship, and the diseases that came with it. However, I am not free of mental slavery. How do I exist in this shell called a body?
Time and time again, I feel the urge to just sleep. That is only because I tire easily from mental chatter, some of which is worsened by exposure to work stress (read: beaches and suns of beaches). Hate to say it but I still can't really deal with them for fear of them hurting me. So I try to stay away and the body sympathises by giving me illnesses to slow me down.
So much for existing in a massochistic mind. How do you get the voodoo pins out when you stick them into yourself? Not intentionally I could say, but out of years of habit and learning complemented by punishment both physical and mental. Feel like a rehab dog just being adopted back to society but with behaviours still matching a tortured existence. The scars are still visible and still in memory. The dog either bites or stay still. I either get extremely upset or shut in.
I was told that a way to adapt is to mix with independant society gradually. People who are able to live in their own right and do not depress me. Sounds good in theory. But if you get the blind to see for the first time, the light can blind them again. Similarly, observing the way these people live normally hurts me. I can't run as fast as they can to catch the balls that life throws at me, or let go of the balls without feeling afraid of consequences because I don't know which balls can potentially be dangerous - eg it turns out to be a bomb which has to be dealt with first.
In the ideal world, leaders should be there to assist with the wisdom of life, what is important and what is not. My primary leader is invisible though most trustworthy and is symbolised by a cross. My work leaders are pretty much non-existent and I have to carry my own cross. Life leaders are scarce, save for a few catch ups here and there that cools the parched soul and lets it rest on the emotional chairs of these gifted people. Life leaders are scarce as I am selective as to who these people are. Absent of elders in the family I could speak to, I just don't trust many.
Despite all this, I would still like to be back in the community by slowly working my way outof this mental and emotional constipation. Maybe I should just be a little pushier when it comes to fulfilling the needs of an independant citizen, out of that scarcity mindset which just accepts things that are not working any longer for the self - giving it to others thinking my own self is not worthy enough to receive help and other resources.
I thought being a free citizen means that I dont have to fight any more but it seems I do less I get trampled by unsuspecting others or worse, end up in slavery again whatever it manifests itself as. But if I do I hope to know that some of these so called tramples are just jostling around alike gentle waves in the sea, rather than a tsunami. And ease up a little.
Wonder if there are anybody out there feeling this way too despite being an independant homosapien. How do you exist?
posted by cherry at 1:58 AM
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