Second Class Citizen

If I could have a cent to every thing I see I lack,
I would be a millionaire now.
After a seven year freshly failed union
I grew to be even more unsure of myself.

I whisper, I hide my voice
so people do not see or hear me
just in case they decide to be mad at me
or if I made a human error,
which I avoid at all cost because of God and his whip,
no wait, maybe it was that sadistic school headmistress
or guardian figureheads.
No one made me see there is only me.

At least it won't be so obvious I thought
or the punishment less great
if I just let them do what they like
even if it inflicts pain on me
diabolically, to avoid pain.

Absence of physical presence, when I relate to others
I speak my own mind,
I "talk" louder,
I am funnier,
I am happier.

Lately I was shaken
or I had I stranger give me a real good dusting.
I didn't know I had that much .... dirt ... on me
memory dirts generous like there in the wild west.

He pointed my persona of physical presence
and virtual,
tattoed the point of "got to move on"
from a bad relationship
over and over and over.

The needles of his words hurt extremely,
with the repute of a carbon laser brazilian
but it was probably my own voice trying to tell me something I ignored
and it came in the stronger authoritative voice of a stranger
which I had to hear.
By fluke of by universe precision
my voice came to me in a second human form
of an eccentric mathematician Doctor.

I learnt to let my voice grow
to defend myself better
in the realm of physical living
to avoid or stop outright what does not work for me.

When I sense panic and terror
to my guts,
tearful often,
I stopped.
And I told myself, girl, take time to think calmly
how to solve the situation
rather than point the finger to myself when I find myself in a pickle.

Then I got to know how scared I was
by shadows of the past
when I look at them closer,
they are like little mice that look bigger
under the dramatising lights of the subconcious stage.

I laughed
and laughed at my own comedy.

I still walk pretty slowly, not talk loud unless the situation requires me to.
It is the inner voice within me that I now give more trust
because the old threats and dangers are no longer real.
My inner voice is still quiet and steady
yet it is noticably stronger
guiding me back to visibility.

I am working on my passport to freedom
to speak and vote and live my own way in this world
so I am no longer a second class citizen.